All the feels!

Sometimes I wake up and think of you, how you say you love. Sometimes I wake up and think about how you say we’re just friends. And then you stray into intimate things, things you then say you care not about. Why do you stay? Why do you stray?

Most times though, when the tears have dried up, I am strained and facing the sadness of my existence, your words leave me conflicted. In the end, they assault my senses. You were supposed to be different. Maybe that’s it, I’ve yet to meet different. You all were all the same, not different at all. All you had to offer were words, meaningless words.

We’re you even my friend? Some days I wonder why you never looked out for me, protect me, guide me instead of staying by the wayside, hearing, never listening, always wishing but never offering. You’re just like them after all aren’t you?

Yeah! No one ever looked out for me. It was easier to lay it at my feet, that I am grown, should know better and wasn’t forced into anything. I lived on hope, every single time, how this one would mean what he says, that this time it would be different, that saying you care has meaning and when you said “I love you” it meant you’d look out for me too.

Isn’t that what love is? Isn’t love about protecting, providing and guiding?

Feelings, just feelings, always talking about feelings when they never meant a thing. Feelings never did shit for me. Feelings left me all alone, drowning, crying and alone.

Fuck feelings!

In my darkest time

 

Kindness

Kindness marks time. It does mine. I’ve been having the worst time of late. Heck! Every time I think one thing is over, something worse happens. I read this post where the thought that we are not ending another year but also another decade.

They posited that we ponder about the past decade. It sent me spiraling even worse. Ten years ago I was happy. The world was my oyster. I had hope, a great career, babies to raise. Now I am ending it, hopeless, a career in the toilet, an empty nester. Fact is I am worse off now than I’ve ever been in my life.

I am beginning again, forget the bottom. I’m at the point where some will consider either drugs, suicide or running away as the better options.

In any case, I’m not the one to ever ask anyone for help. EVER. Maybe that’s why when people come to me, I’m always there for I know if they have been placed in that situation it must be dire. The sole being I would ever contemplate going to is my mom. Mommys can’t solve everything though can they? Moms go some day and then where to, who to?

You’re then faced with holding shit down, finally be a grown up. Having no one to turn to is the coldest state ever especially when you have others depending on you.

The decade is ending. This year is passing by. I’m trying to navigate this fucked up nightmare called uhm a blessing by some but definitely a tragedy in my book. I’ve lost my patience with people, my sense of humor. I can’t even begin to list all that I have lost and am unsure whether I will even be able to regain any if not most of what I’ve lost.

Anywho, out of the blue, a friend sends me a surprise at home. She reached out to me in the darkness, a little bit of light and has me crying for the past few days. She may not know how touched I was and ashamed. Yes shame, that I couldn’t have been there for her in her happy moments, too busy losing my marbles or regaining strength I say, well I’m trying. But I had to write this, put it out in the world, say to the Universe to lift her up for me. For in my worst days, she was the lone light in the dark.

Be blessed my dear! Thanks so much for your act of encouragement m kindness and love!

Missing Eu!

I miss you

What most don’t know and will never comprehend is how much I rely on a sounding board. Having the opportunity to get outside my own head, extending a request to another whom I trust to provide me with a different perspective, what gifts that I so appreciate.

I’ve met many who presumed that I ought to know everything or perceive I should, worse those to whom I go to who refrain, for whatever reason, unknowing or unaccepting of the gift that is my trust in their perspective.

I know I don’t know everything and I surely don’t have all the answers. That’s what I miss most about being married, having someone to weigh the weightiest issues with. Yes I have my own opinions and ways, but in all things it is great to look into others that we may not be aware of. I value perspectives. They open up my world.

Whenever I must make these decisions that yes will impact my life and I came to you, you were always there to help me navigate those roads. You were not one to hesitate or pull away. I miss that. I miss you, my soundboard. I know you would have been there. If I were to haste, you’ll put on the brakes, if I were to laze about, you’ll remind me of the consequences.

We spoke every day and for hours at a time, how could we have come to this? If only we weren’t so set in our ways right? You’re the most trusted friend and being I’ve ever had in my life. I miss you and pray wherever you are, you, your girls and family are blessed beyond measure.

You were the one who saw me through.

 

Holding it together!

 

 

In a world morally bankrupt, emotionally corrupt, empty of principles, people use and abuse you or you end up hurting yourself. No matter what you do, dealing with people harms you. Their lack of principles can offend and maim. Your need for justice too damages you. It may cost you time, angst, money and peace of mind.

In the end, this world is all about pain isn’t it? Where abuse and injustice reign, pain follows.

I sued and won, but now this idiot keeps challenging the court. It costs him no money to do so, just time, my time (I HATE wasting time). He just goes fill out a form and court dates are set. He tortured me, cost me years of pain and finally when I was at my wit’s end, I did what I never wanted to do in my life “sought justice through the courts”.  Let me tell you, the courts do not offer justice. What the courts do or try to are enforce rulings, laws. I had proof. I won. But there are other laws that say despite winning, the order can be challenged, over and over and over and over again. Now I’m in a different kind of hell. Every other fucking month I am in the courts.

The price of peace!

Am I at peace? From the former hell, surely. But now I’ve entered a new kind of hell, a different type of hell. It’s not only scratching my nerves, but it’s also stealing my time.

There’s no justice in this world and definitely no peace.

Someone stole from me, more than just money but peace and time. Time and peace. Peace and time. By God, these wolves in sheep’s clothing!!!

A lawyer once said to me, “the law may side with you but it doesn’t mean you’ll ever see a dime”.  Yep, you may win, but is it a win when you’re losing!

I DESPISE users and abusers!

How do you know what you don’t know? My patients ask me that all the time. You don’t. You can’t. You can’t predict “all” the outcomes. As an “INTJ” trust that I consider all the outcomes I can foresee, but I don’t know what I don’t know.  For example, I didn’t know, single parenting will be the worst thing to ever happen to me, or loving someone will take away my dignity, or trusting someone keeping their word because they say they love me would change who I was. Experiences change your core, for good or bad. I sought justice and now it too is harming me. It feels like I’m hurting me, that I sought my own harm. It wasn’t the intention, but here we are. Here I am, hurting.

My boss asked me before I filed the suit “are you sure you want to do this?” Thing is she had previously sued for sexual harassment while VP of a company and won. She explained how though she won, after going through that she would never sue again, no matter the injustice, for the process itself hurt her deeply. Too much trauma. Did I say she won millions and they could hardly ever fire her? She left that company ten years later. When someone hurts you, it isn’t that affront alone that is traumatic, but the process of regaining your sense of self or normalcy that too is its own trauma.

She was coming from experience, experience that created foresight. I was coming from pain and the need for peace, justice, that one day out of these past hellish years that one thing will go right in my life, just one damn thing to say that something positive can exist in my world, untainted, kind and fair.

By God was I wrong! I was so so wrong. I created a different my new  hell by wanting and seeking positivity. Ain’t that a bitch! Can I pray he dies so finally I can be at peace? Maybe not him, maybe me. I should die. Death is where peace lies.

Maybe that too is a lie! Will death brings me peace or is that too but a lie? I die to open my eyes to another hell.

Tell me why life is a blessing again. Tell me. No. Stop. That is the biggest lie of all.

No more. Please no more lies.

PS: All I’ve ever wanted in life: peace and happiness. Never happened, never ever happened!

Shalom!

In the light!

Claiming you is so important baby girl. It says he doesn’t mind the world knowing he’s with you, that you’re his. It says whenever you need him, he will come through, at least he wants to. It tells you he’s in this, whatever this is and he is in it with you and you alone. I wouldn’t be naive enough after all I have been through not to warn you that it may not necessarily be so but however that title, that claim says something. It says “you’re mine”,  loudly, clearly and this in front of the world and spirits above, below and all throughout the universe. I’m not talking marriage, just commitment, commitment to one soul, you, chosen and set aside for “his” purpose; hopefully a purpose that you are aware of, that is positive, that you agree with.

Don’t invest your emotions in the world of shadows, “let’s see where this goes”, “we’re taking it slow”, “we’re just chilling”, “just dating for now”. I won’t be so hypocritical to say not to invest your body. The body has needs that the shadows at times can mask. But at your age, when you’ve yet to learn what it is your body likes, I would advise you to not even start and to wait. Wait until he wants you enough to take you into the light, in his arms, fingers entwined, walking by your side.

A man’s physical touch isn’t the same as the mental imprint he leaves on your spirit. It is sad to say I’ve been hurt more in the shadows than in the light. At that time I didn’t know how sustained the damage will get. Destroyed, by someone who really didn’t ever exist in my world, in living. And maybe that is why, the pain could be inflicted and no one would know but me. He could go about denying my existence, tell the world “it wasn’t me”. I was a face, a body, a tool like so many others, in the shadows. He wouldn’t have to face himself and the blame will only rest upon my shoulders. “She’s crazy man.” Please, pretty please, don’t fall in love in the shadows.

Choose the light! In the light where all can see. When those tears run down your cheeks and sadness resides in your eyes, someone will surely ask if you’re okay then turn around to ask him “are you treating her right?” And when he sees them in you, he will never want to be the one who caused them. That’s love!

Baby girl, healing in the light when your ghosts are in the shadows is different. Don’t do it. I beg you don’t do it.

Stay in the light!