Holding it together!




In a world morally bankrupt, emotionally corrupt, empty of principles, people use and abuse you or you end up hurting yourself. No matter what you do, dealing with people harms you. Their lack of principles can offend and maim. Your need for justice too damages you. It may cost you time, angst, money and peace of mind.

In the end, this world is all about pain isn’t it? Where abuse and injustice reign, pain follows.

I sued and won, but now this idiot keeps challenging the court. It costs him no money to do so, just time, my time (I HATE wasting time). He just goes fill out a form and court dates are set. He tortured me, cost me years of pain and finally when I was at my wit’s end, I did what I never wanted to do in my life “sought justice through the courts”.  Let me tell you, the courts do not offer justice. What the courts do or try to are enforce rulings, laws. I had proof. I won. But there are other laws that say despite winning, the order can be challenged, over and over and over and over again. Now I’m in a different kind of hell. Every other fucking month I am in the courts.

The price of peace!

Am I at peace? From the former hell, surely. But now I’ve entered a new kind of hell, a different type of hell. It’s not only scratching my nerves, but it’s also stealing my time.

There’s no justice in this world and definitely no peace.

Someone stole from me, more than just money but peace and time. Time and peace. Peace and time. By God, these wolves in sheep’s clothing!!!

A lawyer once said to me, “the law may side with you but it doesn’t mean you’ll ever see a dime”.  Yep, you may win, but is it a win when you’re losing!

I DESPISE users and abusers!

How do you know what you don’t know? My patients ask me that all the time. You don’t. You can’t. You can’t predict “all” the outcomes. As an “INTJ” trust that I consider all the outcomes I can foresee, but I don’t know what I don’t know.  For example, I didn’t know, single parenting will be the worst thing to ever happen to me, or loving someone will take away my dignity, or trusting someone keeping their word because they say they love me would change who I was. Experiences change your core, for good or bad. I sought justice and now it too is harming me. It feels like I’m hurting me, that I sought my own harm. It wasn’t the intention, but here we are. Here I am, hurting.

My boss asked me before I filed the suit “are you sure you want to do this?” Thing is she had previously sued for sexual harassment while VP of a company and won. She explained how though she won, after going through that she would never sue again, no matter the injustice, for the process itself hurt her deeply. Too much trauma. Did I say she won millions and they could hardly ever fire her? She left that company ten years later. When someone hurts you, it isn’t that affront alone that is traumatic, but the process of regaining your sense of self or normalcy that too is its own trauma.

She was coming from experience, experience that created foresight. I was coming from pain and the need for peace, justice, that one day out of these past hellish years that one thing will go right in my life, just one damn thing to say that something positive can exist in my world, untainted, kind and fair.

By God was I wrong! I was so so wrong. I created a different my new  hell by wanting and seeking positivity. Ain’t that a bitch! Can I pray he dies so finally I can be at peace? Maybe not him, maybe me. I should die. Death is where peace lies.

Maybe that too is a lie! Will death brings me peace or is that too but a lie? I die to open my eyes to another hell.

Tell me why life is a blessing again. Tell me. No. Stop. That is the biggest lie of all.

No more. Please no more lies.

PS: All I’ve ever wanted in life: peace and happiness. Never happened, never ever happened!




In the light!


Claiming you is so important baby girl. It says he doesn’t mind the world knowing he’s with you, that you’re his. It says whenever you need him, he will come through, at least he wants to. It tells you he’s in this, whatever this is and he is in it with you and you alone. I wouldn’t be naive enough after all I have been through not to warn you that it may not necessarily be so but however that title, that claim says something. It says “you’re mine”,  loudly, clearly and this in front of the world and spirits above, below and all throughout the universe. I’m not talking marriage, just commitment, commitment to one soul, you, chosen and set aside for “his” purpose; hopefully a purpose that you are aware of, that is positive, that you agree with.

Don’t invest your emotions in the world of shadows, “let’s see where this goes”, “we’re taking it slow”, “we’re just chilling”, “just dating for now”. I won’t be so hypocritical to say not to invest your body. The body has needs that the shadows at times can mask. But at your age, when you’ve yet to learn what it is your body likes, I would advise you to not even start and to wait. Wait until he wants you enough to take you into the light, in his arms, fingers entwined, walking by your side.

A man’s physical touch isn’t the same as the mental imprint he leaves on your spirit. It is sad to say I’ve been hurt more in the shadows than in the light. At that time I didn’t know how sustained the damage will get. Destroyed, by someone who really didn’t ever exist in my world, in living. And maybe that is why, the pain could be inflicted and no one would know but me. He could go about denying my existence, tell the world “it wasn’t me”. I was a face, a body, a tool like so many others, in the shadows. He wouldn’t have to face himself and the blame will only rest upon my shoulders. “She’s crazy man.” Please, pretty please, don’t fall in love in the shadows.

Choose the light! In the light where all can see. When those tears run down your cheeks and sadness resides in your eyes, someone will surely ask if you’re okay then turn around to ask him “are you treating her right?” And when he sees them in you, he will never want to be the one who caused them. That’s love!

Baby girl, healing in the light when your ghosts are in the shadows is different. Don’t do it. I beg you don’t do it.

Stay in the light!

Life ain’t no blessing ‘round here!



It’s worthy to note that life is a compilation of reaction to causation. We wish to not face the fact that meaning or purpose or the pursuit or acceptance thereof, are blinders. Blinders we put on instead of accepting the reality free will is but a farce.

How is it free will when your beginning wasn’t a choice. Life is put upon and how you must face it, ahem using free will. What a joke! How many if any would wish to live they have willing, will pick the same parents, same place, same “race”, or faith or end.

How is your end in your hands when your beginning wasn’t and for that to be called a gift, a blessing!

Life isn’t a blessing. It is a curse like in the “hunger games “. Someone else placed you in a situation and now you must find a way to survive and maybe win. And even if you win, it’s another beginning from a place you didn’t select to begin with. But we want to believe we did.

You know what I miss most? It’s you! You, the one before I had to make a choice!


PS: I hate it when you say “life is a blessing”.

This is the end!



I don’t think you understand. Away from you I cease to exist. Life is meaningless outside of you. Out you go into the world, free to be. Your beginning, my end. One is never more unsure about meaning until purpose is gone. What do I become? How do I stand? I’m nothing outside of you. It isn’t a sweet parting, neither a sorrowful one. The dead can’t feel a thing, how can it then be?

All these beginnings leading to this one end. You say “see you later” but I know this is goodbye!


Evil flourishes

Sometimes I wonder if I could be the same again, happy, hopeful, not such a cynic. It is painful when you realize how much you’ve changed because you were too naive, too caring. I believe in the bullshit pathetic platitudes. We all do that. No one ever wants to admit that life is shit and that there are many who never get what they put in, some who never make it out, who doesn’t get the girl, the guy, never finds love, never become rich and that no matter how hard, how long and how many chances they never become rich. Some people just keep losing as if that’s how their paths were traced. These people exist. Some choose to give up and commit suicide. In part it is our doing, society’s. We keep feeding them those platitudes, stringing them along on a thread of hope that never yields anything special. They start thinking they are losers you know, how for some reasons all these shitty words of wisdom or inspiration people constantly throw at them are just that, shit because these things never come true for them. They start believing something is wrong with them, all these work for others and why not them! They are the anomaly. Those who hurt them, painfully yanking their hearts out of their cages and tore them apart are the ones winning, celebrating as if the pain they caused meant nothing and the universe rewards their atrocities.

Why are you winning! Why do you get the rewards and your life goes on as if what you did did not destroy me!

Life isn’t fair, that’s what they say when they want to water the rage burning in my eyes, so I can understand. If life isn’t fair, from where I am sitting how come you too don’t feel the lashes of it’s beatings!

Why me, always fucking me. That, I will never understand! But then again those who do evil, to them harm never comes for God Love’s them too, doesn’t he? How far he goes for love, to seek love even at the expanse he says he loves!